foreword

I find it hard to tell you, I find it hard to take
When people run in circles it’s a very, very
Mad world

That feeling of helplessness.

What do you do when the people you care about get hurt? What can you do? On top of wishing that it didn’t have to happen, that you could at least bear some of it on behalf of, what can you do that would actually help?

Nothing.

Here’s some drinks, a shoulder and a listening ear for you.

There’s one thing that causes a much bigger reaction from me than a tip on the weighing scale, ‘oh look, it’s increasing… anyway what’s for dinner?’ — and that is the sudden emergence (and I do mean it literally) of a beer belly.

THAT is a big no-no.

So after realizing it’s subtle existence yesterday morning, I went to Haowen’s place for Lace’s birthday party, and had a ‘farewell, food’ dinner consisting of a whole lot of doughnuts, fries, nuggets, fried rice, sweetened green tea, and the chocolate icing on Lace’s cake.

Goodbye, good food. I will see you again when the beer belly ceases to exist. (Actually there’s another birthday barbeque party tomorrow, I don’t think I’ll get through that one unfilled, hahaha)

In the ideal situation it’d go like this: Beer belly disappears, rejoice, go back to ‘the life’ as it is – lots of food, drinks and anything fun.

But ah, at this point in time? It’ll probably be: Beer belly disappears, rejoice, sit down and study all day while eating and get a food belly this time.

Darn.

Could it be worse?

Ultimately, we’re each just one person in the world. So small, so small. Our troubles aren’t as big as we think it is. We choose what we want to amplify – it’s a given that our actions do affect the people around us. As well as ourselves.

How about we start with a smile, or two? Might not seem like it right now, but it eventually progresses into laughter and brighter days. All in Time. Might as well do something positive while you’re waiting for something you cannot even confirm – it’s called the future, and here’s a secret: you’re not supposed to know what it holds. That in itself is a form of empowerment.

So there.

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
I will try to fix you.

I think the only time I’d ever scream ‘OMG BITCH’ to a random girl in my head is when I’ve been holding my pee in for about 40mins on the bus, and it’s just two bus stops away from my home, and SHE JUST HAS TO GET DOWN AT THE STOP BEFORE AND MAKE ME WAIT SOME MORE.

But it’s okay. I have relieved myself. In the toilet, not on the bus seat. That’s all that matters.

So many dreams lately. And that’s on top of not sleeping well. I’ve never really had problems sleeping before – except when i smartly took caffeine at night on a couple of occasions.

But yea, dreams. I’ve been getting a whole lot of them, and only remember a very small proportion of them. Even none, sometimes. Then when I move around during the day I get so many incidents of deja-vu. In the school canteen, walking along some street. ‘Wait, I think I dreamt about this scene before.’ Creepy.

Dreams tend to have a very strong hold on my consciousness. Especially those I remember. It’s like a part of me, it’s like it’s true, or going to come true. Or it’s a parallel, with a missing link I’ve to establish when conscious.

Dreams are fascinating, they are. I hope I don’t get any freaky ones while I’m in this ‘dreamy’ phase though. Freaky is bad.

So many people write sad, personal songs. Then they package it commercially and sell it. And then they sing it live, for so many to hear. And you see them smile as they sing it.

How do they do that?

A bit of envy, for them.

[edit]…I do the stupidest things.[/edit]

You know how different instruments have somehow a fixed sound to it – like the anklung to Indonesian music, the harp to Celtic atmospheres and the Gamelan to creepy traditional music? This guy has a voice that is so distinct, and the best thing is that he knows how to use it. Very, very, very impressive.

I am insofar to know
The measure of love ain’t loss

Who the hell am I talking about? Henny will be glad to know: Jason Mraz himself. For those who don’t know, I usually go mad over awesome live performers. And he is one of them. Most studio recorded stuff simply cannot compare to good live performaces. Ani D is another musician who I didn’t think much of until I heard one of her live performances.

But I digress. I rented a live concert DVD of him somewhere last year, and it was then that I realized he was a lot more than I thought. He’s got a reggae-ish flair to his writing, and his voice is most definitely appropriate. Plus he’s got a cool congo guy who wears shades and looks like he can’t sing but does the backup vocals. But yea. Then Henny let me hear more stuff recently. Good, good, great. Who cares about his studio albums lah. Listen to him live!

Look into your heart and you’ll find Love, Love, Love

Stoned the whole of today. Wasting my days away, wasting away. I need to start studying.

Instead I spent the day surfing around, and updating the site. A bit. Hahaha. Changed the About part of the blog, since I’m already 18 (hahahahaha). I haven’t got the opportunity to flash my authentic ID to anyone yet though. Soon, soon. Heheheh.

Henny’s telling me about a new Fish Big Breakfast at Macs. Sounds fishy. Then again it’s Henny, hahaha.

Will I ever get down to studying at this state?

Maybe. But not anytime soon, I reckon.

Time is passing very slowly.

More powerful than your God, do you think?

Time can waver your faith in God, but it can also choose to make it stronger. Do you have a choice in it, really?

Religion preaches, Time shows.

Time will tell.

(Yep, yet another rubbish post.)

The mind is a powerful thing, says Henny. I couldn’t agree more.

It makes up who we are, but we all know that we can’t choose half of what we are. So many times you hear people wanting to be something else – ‘I wish I were…’, ‘I wish I weren’t…’ – and it’s because they’re either just whining and not working towards that wish, or because they just cannot change no matter how hard they try: the mind’s made it a permanent thing.

Does this mean our minds have minds of their own as well? I really think so. I’ll bet everyone’s gone through battles in their heads before – trying to beat temptation, trying to decide between dilemmas, trying to make yourself sit down and study instead of stoning at the computer typing weird posts about the mind, and so many other things. It’s as if there’s another consciousness within that head of ours. More than one other, even.

Thus the Angel-Devil metaphor, I guess. The ones that stand on each shoulder of characters? Yep, you got it.

As much as the Mind represents Logic, and impressionably it usually gets into fights with the Heart, I don’t think the politics here are that simple. Considering the prescence of yet another mind in the Mind itself (and possibly more), the scenarios that can be played here are so much more complicated. It’s at least a 3-way fight now. And they’re not just all fighting each other, there can be alliances on two of the three sides. Even overlapping ones.

And ergo the ‘Life’s so complicated’ whine.

Rubbish? I’m not sure, really. Take this for example – Imagine yourself trapped in a room. The only way out of it is through the door, that someone close to your heart (family? friend? lover?) is tied to. You have a gun. Now, there are choices of escape that are given to you: First, the only way to open the door is to shoot the doorknob – but your loved one has been tied so strategically that his/her vital organs are right on top of the doorknob. Second, you are allowed one chance to look around the room for other ways of escape – but if you find none, both of you will not survive. Thirdly, you shoot yourself in order to save your loved one. Dilemma? Definitely. Dilemma between the Heart and only one Mind? I don’t think so.

Uh, I think I got carried away with thinking of an analogy. Sounds a bit gruesome to me now. But you get what I mean.

Why am I typing all these anyway? Our minds can indeed help clear our thoughts if it wins the heart – it helps us make clearer, logical decisions. But I realized it’s not as methodical as it seems – it’s bad enough the Mind-Heart fight has had to occur, now I find that our minds can poison us. Poison us? Yep. Negative thoughts are fine sometimes, but they tend to go over the line of pessimism and move on to become toxic. Think someone who has killed – full of regret and sorrow – left alone in a cell with no possible distractions from his thoughts. We’ve watched enough movies to know that they’re made to go mad.

Poison kills the hope for something better.

Hope? Yea, that’s the archenemy of Poison. I think usually that’s the weaker side of the Mind. How does Hope convince you where the Poison is thriving, surrounded by pain and darkness? It’s hard, it’s definitely hard – especially when all Hope can do is wait for the pain and darkness to subside before it works its wonders. That usually takes quite a while – and this wait is where Hope struggles to keep itself from being engulfed by the negativity of Poison.

It’s definitely not easy.

But I dare say this – as much as it seems like a tough one for Hope, we have to look around sometimes. There are so many more people who have had to go through this fight, and emerged Hopeful, rather than lost the battle. And a large proportion of them have definitely been through it more than once. Let it work with the heart, and together they’ll rid you of the Poison. Try hard.

…Now I just have to make myself believe that. Currently Hope’s winning though. :)

(Yes, this post is full of rubbish. If you don’t already know, this blog is where I dump my garbage into. A big applause if you made it to the end of the post though.)