foreword

So it’s 1.30am in the morning, and I’m eating instant Tom Yam noodles while trying to digest my Literature notes – not much in the mood for it, but do I really have a choice in this? Choices are always there, but most of the time they only exist as virtual instruments to make ourselves feel better: ‘Hey, I’ve a choice but I shall do the right thing.’ Right.

Here’s a little interesting excerpt from my barely-legible school notes, on The Handmaid’s Tale:

“The Fantastic – used as a mode of writing that allows for the fragmentation of self – imagining a person outside the boundaries of the body as an act of resistance. The possibility of choice within the system of control.”

I love ironies.

Sausages are cancerous.

I’m typing that as I chew on one, because there isn’t much else to eat. Fantastic, really. At the same time pretty much 90 percent of this year’s A level students are done with their papers, while the poor, poor Paper 4 Literature students stay home and whine about not being free to party just yet. I’m one of the latter, sad to say. Though while most of the Paper 4 students are probably mugging and all, I’m just whining. And digesting free beer.

Nothing like free beer on a Friday night. Not forgetting cancerous sausages. The combination, gastronomic. I do take care of my health pretty well, you see. Though considering the opportunity costs I’d rather have good German Bratwursts, would someone like to recommend some to me?

Now if I would just get my butt down to studying for the damned paper…

Left ear still ringing. Going for a jam later, imagine how off-tune I’m going to sound! I can imagine this made into a reality TV show:

Living Aural Life in a Metal Ball

The right season for it too.

… Yea, I’m going mad. Maybe I’ll turn dense as well, metal balls can be pretty dense.

If I didn’t know better I’d think I was losing my sanity.

One paper left, and at this point of time I’m practically immersed in the atmosphere of freedom – I can smell it, it’s here. Yet, like most of us, I don’t know how to proceed. I can do this, do that, do whatever without the inner voice of guilt – ‘I should be studying, I should be studying’ – but I’m not doing them. I guess this feeling’ll go away soon enough. I know of a few people who’re feeling exactly the same way. I don’t miss studying though, that’s for sure (stares at Lace).

Also I’m hearing double. It’s something to do with my ear, it’s natural I know, but I’ve never had it this bad before. Right now I’m listening to music, as well as listening to the distorted version of it simultaneously. It even sounds out of tune! Imagine living like that. I tried playing the guitar, thought it out of tune, tried tuning it, realized it got even more out of tune. I was even in doubt of the in-built tuner because it showed the strings were in tune, but it sure didn’t sound like it!

Is that why some people are tone deaf? That would really, absolutely suck. Please don’t let this be permanent.

And occasionally it feels like an inner voice calling out…….

Lastly, while answering the call of nature just now I had a sudden revelation – that the position of answering nature’s call was actually one of our most vulnerable positions. We’re more likely to think five times than twice about moving away halfway through some business if something drastic were to happen. Think Jurassic Park. Imagine that.

Yep, sanity out the door. I’m really sleepy so I don’t sound so coherent. Good night.

How you suffered for your sanity
And how you tried to set them free
- Starry, Starry Night, Don Mclean

[edit] Holy cow. Right after typing this entry I decided to have a long chat with nature again, and there was a GIANT BEE FLYING AROUND THE TOILET. Talk about immediate application of theories, jeez. [/edit]

Yesterday Haowen made me eat the Pink Pill, because I was having mighty bad cramps. I don’t usually have cramps, so that was my first time popping the pills. After a while, the bad feeling really subsided. Poof.

I was fascinated. It gave me an inner strength, the feeling that all could be conquered – in view of the prowess of the presumably omnipotent pink pill (note the alliteration, ha!), I was eating a McFlurry and drinking lots of Iced Milo at lunch today without giving a hoot to the concurring monthly. I then sat in wait for the menace to arrive.

It never did. No pill-popping and inner-strength-building today, darn.

I’m having a very bad tummyache (with no idea what caused it), my sister’s at the lobby trying to chase this guy away, and I just had a revelation: Economics might just be my direction.

Which would also mean I’d then likely have to retake my A’s. Sigh. No matter, I can spend next year seeing what the world’s really like. And making me some moolah – if I’m not too lazy, that is.

Anyone wanna join me?

While nearing, or in the midst of major exams what’s usually on our minds – or mine, at least – is ‘What am I doing? I should be living, not just living life. There’re so many things to do, so much to see outside, yet I am bound to this pile of books and those stacks of papers…’

Only to find that, when you’re ‘free’, you just try to find things to fill up your days.

I daren’t look to the future, and yet what I’m supposed to be concentrating on now is all about the future.

I love ironies.

And I think it’s the PMS talking.

In another person’s view, who you are isn’t the same as the kind of person you are.

Or is it?

I’m talking about perspective – we all have an impression of who we are ourselves, but well, since the majority must always be right, what we are in someone else’s eyes is likely to be different from our ideal image. Contrary to popular belief (of the romantics, especially), Beauty isn’t just in the eyes of the beholder. Others’ notion of the You really depends of your external behaviour – and what they choose to interpret it as.

What, specifically, defines the external You?

Well, there’s a whole lot that can be said about you. One person alone can contain a bank of information as vast as HSBC (everyone’s neighbourhood bank – I wanted to put IMF but rich countries are reluctant to give too much money to it, so that wouldn’t have worked), with a load of information about your family- your parents’ jobs or education or monetary status, your siblings’ level of rebelliousness, how often your dog gets sick and how many fishes have died under your care;your school life – which schools you went to, how smart you are academically, what kind of CCAs you participated in, how many school library books you have borrowed in your life; your own opinions, thoughts, dreams, secrets, knowledge… everything.

What makes a difference is what you choose to define yourself to other people, and in what manner. We all tend to divulge the good stuff – sometimes only the good stuff – especially when not familiar with the person we’re talking to. I wouldn’t deny doing that too – who would, at first meeting, say ‘Hey, I’ve been trying to make it to Hollywood for years now but everyone who auditioned me just shot me down’ or ‘Hello there, sorry I took so long – I was trying to wank myself but couldn’t really finish… (sticks out hand, waits for person to shake it)’.

But on the other extreme end, which we see quite a bit, would be stuff like ‘Hey sorry I’m late! My Dad’s Porsche stalled on the way, I told him he should’ve just taken the Lamgorgini instead. (looks at you as if she has the right to think you’re a small fry)’

In the longer term, we begin to observe the people who just cannot accept not being ‘perfect’ in some areas. ‘Hey, that girl’s really pretty! I heard she’s talked about a lot in her school…’ ‘Hmm? Really? I think she looks so ordinary.’ – this one I’ve seen and heard far too many times just in the past two years.

Now, looking at these alone, how would you judge the person who said those? Do you think the impression of the person on him/herself is the same as that of yours?

Ultimately, my point is that it’s natural for us to want to give someone else the same impression of yourself that you have – but whether that works or not really depends on whether you’re really secure about yourself, what you think is important and should be known about yourself, and cheesy stuff like that. When you try too much… the result you’d get would probably be  very far off from your aim.

Okay dinner’s ready. There’s lots to write on this, but I think it’d be far too long anyway (I’m hungry) so yea. That’s all.

It’s not surprising how I thought of all this while showering – as usual. This theory is absolutely unproven and is based on personal experience only. Anyone disagrees or has anything to say about it?

Okay I just had to post this. Mei and I were talking about Hanson, and we were watching their big hit ‘Mmmbop’s video on youtube, made when they were still young, then Mei started commenting…

Mei:
wads with the hairrr
they shld raise a english cocker spaniel
add one more to the family

Hahahahahaha.

Anyway, we just renewed the ‘rental’ for this domain. Gosh, it’s a pain to my wallet. We’re not using it to the max, so if there’s anyone at all who wants a space on here, please let us know! We’d gladly help. Yea. Okay back to youtube-ing the cocker spaniel boys.

Folk gets to me. It’s not most people’s cup of tea, but it gets to me. If I mentioned rawness in music you might think along the lines of maybe the emotional screams of artists like The Used, the Foo Fighters, words of Marilyn Manson maybe, or the nakedness of people on MTV (ha.ha)… But the rawness of good acoustic folk music is so different from all those. It’s really, really RAW.

But I’ll get straight to the point. Introducing a guy (who only had one track in my iTunes, which I liked a lot and I’m wondering why I never did check out his other stuff sooner) who’s pretty darned underrated in the industry, David Gray.

So what about David Gray? Well, he’s awesome with words. Very good words, not your everyday cliched kind. His music is pretty good too – and he’s a great performer live. He tends to wobble his head around when he sings though, but that’s not the point. Check him out over at his official site, and also give him a listen at his myspace. You may have heard of Babylon, it’s the song I’d been hooked on for quite a while, before moving on to see what else he’d got.

Sorry for such a brief review, I got a bit annoyed when I couldn’t find nice pictures of him playing live, or when I found the perfect ones, they couldn’t be used – apparently flickr has some copyright thing going on. Darn. Just go give him a listen, you might just like his stuff. There’ve been some very fortunate people who I made listen. Heheheh.

But who knows what’s waiting
In the wings of time
Dry your eyes
We’re gonna go where we can shine