foreword

One thing more demoralizing than giving a performance that wasn’t up to standard is being unable to give a decent one at all.

This is the first time I have ever had to sing with my throat in such a bad state, and it had to be the one that I wanted to play well at. Preparations starting two weeks before the gig, I haven’t done that in a long time. In the end I played none of the songs I wanted to, and couldn’t pull off the ones I did.

Sorry, those who came, for not giving a good performance. Thanks so much for coming though! At least I know now that the worst has happened. Now to whack myself. And go make me some spicy instant noodles for supper.

I am decomposing.

Is it possible, the disintegration of a living person? I guess it is, I’m living proof. Half my mind’s gone, which is why I cannot analyze this hypothesis properly. It’s either that or I never had the knowledge to, the part of my mind that remembers this has crumbled too.

I, for the life of me, cannot seem to solve math problems that I could when I was twelve. Math problems that we saw in Primary 6, that I used to be one of the fastest in class to solve. Now I have to refer to the solutions to get it right. It’s not disappointing, it’s more a tragedy than anything else.

After an estimated two years’ decay, here is how I stand – barely, even, can I stand up straight. With every brush of my arm my skin cells fall; grey, faceless bunnies quickly jump on board to fill the spaces up. They are armed, I tell you. Their equivalent of nuclear radiation, and when provoked they let it all out and contaminate my body with it.

It’s not just a long pause. It’s movement backwards, the fission of cells, the breakdown of the system.

I am decomposing, and I, for the life of me, cannot stop digressing from studying for the damned SAT paper.

Okay guys, I’m gonna give you a couple of offers you definitely cannot resist.

First of all, cookies. You know how there’re some cookies that taste so good, you wouldn’t eat the last one? Well, I stumbled upon a certain menu that seems to be able to deliver just that. This one goes beyond your usual chocolate chip cookie variety, or lack thereof. Wouldn’t the mention of White Chocolate Chunks and Banananana cakes, or even Big Slab of Brownie catch your eye – or even better, your tastebuds? This particular menu also changes along with different occasions, and in view of the coming Chinese New Year, it’s offering Pineapple Tarts and Cashew Nut Cookies at good prices! I’m buying me some, are you?

Okay moving on; Ladies and gentlemen, what do you feel about cupcakes? Or better yet, very tempting flavours with premium ingredients which some of you may have even not heard of? Warning: Reading the descriptions on the poster below might just make you drool. It sounds really yummy, and it’s a great price for the types of ingredients used, so I’m definitely buying me more than a few of those. Can’t wait! The bake’s really shy though, and doesn’t want to reveal her name – so just email me with your orders!

Note: For those who are interested, one of the meeting points for the cupcakes will be on the 28th January, 7.15pm at the Esplanade Concourse – the mystery baker will be there watching a certain person playing a certain gig. Others can be scheduled!

You know there’s something wrong with you when you return home with 4 pints of beer in your belly, and you try to kill a roach in the kitchen with Baygon while saying ‘Die, die!’ in a mousey voice and don’t bother trying to get sleep and talk to people about food online.

Solution? Sleep, definitely.

Blackbird, fly

I’ve been having so many dreams lately – to the point where they can average up to be about three a night. Or two long ones, depending.

Makes me feel as if something’s missing.

Well, maybe I should watch more television. It could be my subconsciousness giving me signs; if you’re not letting me have my fill of television then I”ll just make you watch some while sleeping. It’s a powerful thing, the mind. And pretty darned rebellious.

Now let’s move on to somewhere lower. You know how some people tend to crave for food more before they get their monthlies? I think my binging starts about, say, a month before the monthly arrives every time. Never fails me.

The rain’s put a white curtain right outside my window.

It’s fantastic, being alone at home and blasting music over the heavy rain. Provokes your sense of hearing further, makes it pick out the pattering of the raindrops over the loud music. And also to see how loud you can go before your dog (who sleeps all day) will get disturbed by the music. I’ll tell you this: even if it makes your windows shatter, they won’t even twitch.

And I love her so
I wouldn’t trade her for gold

Yasi‘s leaving in such a short time. She’s probably one of the most kind-hearted, considerate, genuine, [insert other positive adjectives here] person I’ve ever known. She wouldn’t hurt a bug. Mostly because she’d be terrified of them, but you get my point. I spent the last two years saying that we’d meet up, and end up having that defined by ‘coincidence along a random street’. Well I’m definitely seeing her before she goes off. More than once, if I can help it. And I’d give her a big, tight hug every time I see her, that’s for sure.

Another friend going down under, I guess it’s not so bad. That’ll make it more than one visit when I decide to fly over to Melbourne, makes it more worth it.

…I’m such a Singaporean.

This was so predictable.

Yes, I have this tendency to think I know all about recessions because I pass my Economics papers.

There’s this road in front of the main entrance of the condominium I stay in that goes all the way up -unsurprisingly leading to yet another road – with little terrace houses on both sides of it. As we all know, there are some people who live in terraces who like to keep dogs who like to bark when they see other dogs (not only the owners, their dogs bark too)… So after visiting Rocky’s girlfriend at the start of this road, I decided to do something crazy.

Off we went running up the road, and things just went wild. We glided pass the houses, with the rhythmic slapping of my flip-flops on the pavement and Rocky’s excited panting penetrating the humid evening air, our shadows following our steps, the dogs all around barking mad (literally barking, and literally mad), and then their owners also madly barking (as they say: like owner, like dog) at them to keep it down, and there we were – me having the time of my life and poor Rocky being extremely traumatized by the big dogs throwing their weight at the house gates.

Rocky half-glared at me after, stubbornly sat down and refused to continue walking – ignoring my explanation that he hadn’t had a good workout in a long long time.

And so the new year officially begins. Literally, a new chapter.

It’s different this time, oh it’s different. I’m done with being laid back, done with wasting time, done with not doing things the best I can, done being distracted, done living two lives or more instead of just my own, and not knowing what in the world I want to do with my life.

The past year has been eventful, but then again which year hasn’t for anyone? (Unless you’re one of those office workers who go to work every day then go home at the end of it, and take your 2 weeks’ leave a year on holiday to wherever because you have nothing else to spend your savings on. How about spending it on me!) I’m free as a bird now – besides the financial limits, Mom’s boundaries, having to complete my driving lessons, monetary obstacles, the addiction to chocolate, money problems, needing to quit my current job, the lack of cash…… okay, so maybe I’m only just as free as a Junior College graduate with no money to spend and nothing to do. But no difference it makes, really – it’s now up to me to choose which direction I want to head towards.

In terms of so many things, I have remained stagnant for far too long a time. From ‘impressive 15 year-old girl who can sing and play an enjoyable tune for you’, I’m now just ‘that 18 (and going on 19) year-old who plays and sings’. From ‘hey, you’re quite smart’ to ‘ah, you used to be smart’. From ‘she’s got a lot of potential there’ to ‘oh, she’s ripping her relatives off selling overpriced mattresses now’.

What in the world have I been doing?

I’ve always been living along a personal motto: Don’t do anything you’ll regret. Bearing no grudges whatsoever, all I have to say is after some really hard lessons, I’ve come to realize that not doing anything is also an action that one can possibly regret a lot more.

I don’t know about you, but I’m done saying ‘I want to be rich next time’ and not doing anything about it, and I’m done being aimless and lost without a map.

I’m not yet done, however, with complaining about the monthly when it arrives, I’m not yet done trying to be funny even when my friends threaten to throw shoes at me (stares at Yanni), and I’m not yet done learning. Learning about what, you ask? Well Watson, I’m talking about everything.

So watch out, everyone – I’m gonna take the world by storm. Just that you may need to watch a bit harder, cause it won’t be that big of a storm; I don’t think I want to be one of the people who help produce rain for agricultural lands experiencing droughts or anything like that.

I wish everyone all the best, and hope that all of you will wish me the same so that I’ve got more luck to live on.

… Funny, how the word resolution can mean so many things.

I never did bother to turn my socks the right way out before wearing them until I realized we sometimes had to take our shoes off when using some rooms in school. I then turned them out more often just to save myself from having to explain that I didn’t bother which side was out.

What difference does it make, really?